Weekly Update 13

2 major things, Uncle Tony/TJ, Uncle Duke/Aunt Lan+Dylan

Uncle Tony/TJ - I just found out TJ is failing, like properly failing several classes. His highest grade is a B in history. He has a C in woodshop. Everything else is Ds and Fs. Its quite bad. His grades were better last year. I don’t know how much of it was the big step up in class difficulty (he took on 3 APs this year — which also comes with more independence), and how much is busy schedule, its the first time he had to juggle afterschool extracurricular (with corresponding responsibilities). Or maybe he is regressing, or going through something. I’m not sure, but its clear he does not have the grades or life skills to leave the house in 18 months. He will be going to PCC and staying at home until he learns some life skills. I am also questioning his academic ceiling. Its clear he is smarter than the average kid when it comes to math and science. I have done math+physics homework with him and he grasps it just fine when I am in the room with him. He is not really elite (I internalized pre-calc and physics faster and more completely than he did), but he is alright. It is everything else that is interfering with his grades, turning in homework on time, test taking skills, understanding directions. I am wondering if going blue collar (mechanic/hvac/etc) might be more suitable for him, I wonder if he will learn the skills to operate in an academic setting in the next 3-4 years in order to succeed academically and career wise in an engineering degree.

TJ’s dad. Its been good. He has been more eager to talk and hang out with me. He is almost overly eager, he has dropped his facade of “coolness,” he cares less about being nonchalant around me. He is eager to skip to the big talk. He seems to be making some progress in processing his feelings, at least i think, i am reading between the lines in the way he rambles. He continues to ramble about the same handful of issues, outgrowing his friends, trying to figure out how TJ will fit into a modern society he doesn’t quite understand, trying to understand TJ.

Robotics drama. La Canada robotics did a great job this season and is going to “nationals.” TJ contributed a meaningful amount to that success. The competition is in houston and requires skipping a week of school. Uncle Tony asked TJ if he deserves to go, in light of his grades. TJ wants to go. Uncle Tony asked me if TJ should go. I told uncle tony that regardless of whether TJ goes or not, TJ needs to understand that school needs to be a priority, and this decision is an opportunity to reinforce the idea that school comes before robotics. This was over text, I struggled to explain that to uncle tony, who isn’t the most advanced reader, who struggles with nuance and complex ideas. Tbh I should have simplified the message. Anyways, Uncle Tony had a “heart to heart” with TJ and has so far resulted in TJ working hard to makeup old math homework assignments. this is all a very new development so I don’t know if there is any real tangible impact beyond a few days of doing homework. (Idk if TJ is going or not, I’m gonna guess TJ is going, honestly its not important)

3 big wins with uncle tony.
- Before he phrased his life as just taking care of grandma until she leaves, and then he will just wait around to die. But most recently he said he used to “kick ass and make money”, he said he wants to find the fire again, the fire to kick ass and make money again.

- eager to exercise/hike with me

-Progress with TJ. A lot of dog training is actually about teaching the dog owner, shifting their perspective, teaching them fundamentals. Uncle tony used to think his responsibilities were to allow TJ to explore freely, which to me looked more like enabling and taking the path of least resistance. I asked about therapy, uncle tony said he has not been on top of therapy for TJ, he has not attended a session with TJ in a while, and TJ only goes every 3-4 weeks (i’m guessing probably more than that). He said that himself, so he understands he needs to be proactive with that. He was also open to telling TJ no for the Houston robo trip. He had a difficult heart to heart with TJ about grades. He is learning to shift his mind from nature to nurture. TJ is not just who he is. TJ is someone who needs nudging in certain directions, even though that can be hard.

TLDR I think Uncle Tony is slowly climbing out of the hole he was in, I think he is starting to find the willpower to invest in things, to think about the future, to build himself up.

Uncle Duke/Aunt Lam/Dylan

Last Thursday, I drove to chapman to watch dylan’s lacrosse game with his parents. Dylan is really good at lacrosse now. The intent was to tell my uncle that uncle tony feels alone, and under-supported in taking care of grandma and TJ. I didn’t. I had some chances to, but I was, idk, off my game, hesitant to talk about something substantial given the vibes in the moment. It was a long drive but if driving is all it takes to get facetime, thats not terrible, usually its a lot of work and opportunity to manufacture facetime. And going to the chapman game turned into an invite to go to another game at USC on saturday, which also became an invite to go the the game at UCLA tonight.

Dylan’s parents, while are the most personable, friendly, and fun, have increasingly rubbed me the wrong way in their actions, their decisions, and their parenting. I have struggled to articulate it well, but in short, I think they are not transparent with their lives, and this might be driven by some combination of insecurity or anxiety or fear of judgement. It is absolutely a broken way of life. Perpetually being opaque to your friends and family about your actions, intentions, values is not the way to build community. It makes me uncomfortable but this is precisely why I need to lean into spending time with Dylan, to expose him to an alternative world view. I need to go workout with him at USC in the coming weeks, he has time now that lacrosse seasons ends after tonight.

Secondly, the more time I spend with my uncles, the more opportunity there is for me to feel misunderstood, to feel like I have been incorrectly put in a bucket. This is something thats always bothered me, it isn’t really their fault, it isn’t anyones fault. A lot of people approximately fit into a bucket, I just don’t. I am a complex person to fully understand, and it bothers me to be misunderstood. Unfortunately, the path to being understood is by being misunderstood. I think the thing that extra-bothers me is that I don’t think my uncles/aunts particularly spend the energy to acknowledge that I am a complex person. Usually people do after I subvert their expectations the first few times.

My heart has heavy with TJ lately, and also just like, internalizing that my uncles are flawed humans, not infallible superiors to me, the lowly child. (this ties into how grandma says I am the big brother now, when I have always seen myself as the younger brother). My uncles are regular humans, with regular limitations, I am engaging in extraordinary things, they will not always be onboard, understand, or be useful.

But, my life is still good. These are not things that make my life hard, these are challenges I am actively pursuing. I am running into fires, of course it will weigh heavy on my heart and be frustrating, but this is precisely what I want and need to do. The bigger the fire, the more important it is to figure out.

Nature vs nurture - I increasingly lean towards nuture. I don’t think I fear being a parent anymore. TJ’s childhood- his parents- have been major fuckups, and TJ still has hope for a good life. There is no way I, or any of my friends can possibly fuck up parenthood. We will make many many mistakes, but we will not fuckup, there is no way that our children will not be productive members of society. (frankly, TJ would not be a fuckup if he was just a few years younger. I could not have gotten involved earlier, I myself would not have matured enough, earned enough confidence and credibility in my family, but in an alternate universe, the age difference between me and TJ is a few years larger, and I would have approached him at a more neuro-plastic age, with less years of negligence, and more years of public school to make mistakes.